can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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