Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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