The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
