this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if only i could text you this smell
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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