It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
