I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Boobs speak an international language.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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