well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
