Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize