I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
