in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
