I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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