Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
