i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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