I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
