Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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