I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize