My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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