just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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