woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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