Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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