I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
