just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
