I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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