90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
