Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
