I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
