After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
