He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
