You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if only i could text you this smell
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
