Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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