Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
