If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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