Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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