Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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