a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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