FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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