Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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