Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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