four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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