You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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