Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
