Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
