In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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