If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
