and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
