): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
