is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
