He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
