when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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