i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
