She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
