I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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