My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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