she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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