Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
