Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
