I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
