I cannot find my penis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I just went to clothing optional bar
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
